reflecting.
Looking back to who I was when I walked into Newhart on my first day of college, I now feel like a whole different person and artist. I remember being so eager to prove myself. I wanted to knock down every door and make every connection. I came from a small school and town where I knew every name and face and was equally known. I wanted to be known at Loyola. I wanted to be a part of it. I don’t even really think I knew what I wanted to do with it. I guess I wanted to perform, to write, to try it all, and to figure it out along the way. A year and a half later I’m still eager, now more known, and I see my path as an artist more clearly.
Currently, my artistic path is heading toward writing, acting, and directing. I want to do all three. I want to be in coffee shops writing shows about the made-up lives of the people that walk past. I want to be on stage using my empathy and expression to tell stories and spread understanding. I want to direct with a strong point of view, making my audience members, actors, and designers feel seen and empowered in a positive creative space.
I feel like this trio of interests has always been somewhere in the back of my mind but the courses I’ve taken in the last three semesters have all pointed me in this direction, regardless of whether the class is related or not. For example, in Design 1 when we were working on our scenic design for the play The Witch by Jen Silverman, I just kept imagining the staging and the rhythm of the lines instead of the layout I was supposed to be planning. In Acting 1 and 2 I would hold on to every instruction about my performance but I would also pay attention to how my professors, Tim Kane and Ross Lehman, gave direction and teased out choices and emotional discoveries, tucking directing tips into my pocket. While working as a Dramaturg on Somewhere and dissecting play structure, I tried to figure out the patterns and techniques the playwright Marisela Treviño Orta used to write. Almost every theatre experience in some way or another has unconsciously pushed me towards writing, acting, and directing. Now I’m more actively pursuing each of them. I’m currently writing a short play I plan to direct as a second stage. I’m assistant directing the musical The Old Man and The Old Moon. I’m taking advantage of acting opportunities in second stages and in film projects.
My time at Loyola has taught me a lot about risk and vulnerability. Freshman year at times felt like a gauntlet of rejection. That’s putting it dramatically, but I threw a lot of hooks out there and did not get very many bites. After my second round of semi-failed auditions, I came up with my “mantra” of the year: I am Determined NOT Discouraged. This is what freshman year was. Trying everything out, in theatre and outside, figuring out what I liked, what scared me, what interested me, what challenged me, and not always succeeding. But doing it anyways, again and again. I believe this will always be something I hold onto in my creative pursuits but in my second year, I’ve shifted to saying: I am Humble BUT Curious. My first year and my “determined not discouraged” is rooted in a lot of fear, mostly because I didn’t really know what I was doing. I was just trying it all and trying to be good at all of it. Now in my Sophomore year, I have a clearer idea of what I want and I’ve chosen to admit that I don’t know anywhere close to everything about writing, directing, and acting. So I’m humble in my ignorance but immensely curious to learn everything I can. Asking lots of questions, less fearful that people will know I don’t have all the answers.
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This last semester I learned a lot about advocating for myself, and what it looks like to be vulnerable and curious and respectful while knowing my own worth isn’t dependent on external validation. There were two key moments of this. At the beginning of the semester, I was the dramaturg for the mainstage Somewhere. It was my first time engaging with dramaturgy and to be completely frank, I had zero clue what to do. I worked really hard to put myself out there over and over to ask for help, feedback, and guidance. I tried to be respectful and come from a place of curiosity and not fear, it felt really vulnerable and was very different from my normal place of security. Secondly, I had an Assistant Directing role I’d been promised taken away, without much explanation or reason. I felt really undermined and underestimated and it took a lot of courage for me to remember my worth and stand up for myself. My fall sophomore semester was a risk-filled one and one that put me in vulnerable situations. Difficult to say the least but it has taught me how to advocate, how to be respectful, how to navigate relationships with superiors, and how to be curious even when you just want to be mad.
Overall my time at Loyola has shown me:
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What I want to create and how
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How to persist and how to show weakness
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How to advocate and navigate professional relationships
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How to ask questions, easy ones and hard ones
Moving forward I want to dive deeper into writing, acting, and directing. I want to take more creative writing classes, I want to lead a second stage project, I want to get more dramaturgy and directing experience, I want to make more connections in Chicago theatre beyond Loyola, and I want to find an internship in a Chicago theatre.
In regard to all of those goals in the next two months, I have steps planned. I will be taking my first Loyola writing class, playwriting. I am applying for a second-stage project with an original script, and I will apply to dramaturg and direct when production applications are released. To get more involved in Chicago Theatre I plan to lean on the connections I’ve made in the last year and a half to find a theatre internship this summer.
Overall I’m immensely grateful for the challenges and growth and opportunities the Loyola Theatre Department has provided me so far, I’ll keep you posted on what’s to come.
<3,
Grace Herman
